


ever Hopeful

by trixiechick



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: F/M, blind go round 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixiechick/pseuds/trixiechick
Summary: Fukui's life takes a different course.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	ever Hopeful

**Author's Note:**

> written for blind go round 15 but it was submitted unproofed and poorly finished. hopefully, at least one of those things is no longer true... actually, not sure if i've 'fixed' anything, and however i meant to end it lo those many years ago... *shrugs* so this is basically the same as from back then and just. yanno. here it is.

  


* * *

  
Fukui Yuuta lost his fourth game in the pro exam. It was still _theoretically_ possible for him to pass and finally become a pro, but in order for that to happen, he would have to win every one of his last six games, and the people ahead of him at the top would have to lose at least twice more.

The sun shone brightly that afternoon. The bus from the Go Institute was just as boisterous as ever. The streets were every bit as crowded, but to Fukui, it all seemed muffled.

His parents weren't the type to lay down deadlines for him, but he _was_ in his last year of high school. If he wasn't going to become a pro, then he'd need to do _something_ with himself. If he wasn't going to become a pro...

He took a left after he exited the bus instead of taking a right. He went down three blocks, and turned again, and went down two more. He went to a café he liked, and ordered an iced coffee and a croissant, and he took them to a park. He took bites of his croissant, and he tore up pieces and dropped it on the sidewalk, watching the birds hop closer and watch him. He watched them as the pecked and grabbed bits of buttery bread, and he hoped croissants weren't bad for birds. He got up, stretched out, and ambled home.

He didn't go up to his own door. He went next door, to the Nakatani house, and he knocked at the back door. Nakatani-san, in her apron, leaned back from the stove and opened the door, beaming at him.

"Yuuta! Are you staying for dinner?"

"Probably not," he left his shoes on the back porch, and grinned. Nakatani-san had studied to be a pastry chef before she got married. She still loved to cook. "Ami home?"

"Go on up," Nakatani-san winked at him, and went back to cooking.

Sometimes, Fukui wondered if Ami's parents figured they were doing it, but didn't care, or if they just assumed that they were _good kids_ and didn't need any more supervision than they had needed when they were ten. He went upstairs and knocked on Ami's door, waiting for her to call out, "C'min!"

He went inside her room, unable to look anything but _sheepish_.

"Yuuta!" Ami sat up on her bed, setting aside the fashion magazine she'd been poring over. She looked at him, looked at his face, and then her expression fell. "Oh..."

"It's ok," he shrugged. "It was a long shot after the last loss, so."

She pouted, and patted her bed. He went and sat down, and she put her arms around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. "That doesn't make it hurt less. What are you going to do?"

"That's what I've been asking myself," he mused, picking up her magazine. He didn't understand what he was looking at; the models were wearing strange and beautiful clothes, but their makeup was all smeared and their hair was designed along similar lines to a bird's nest, and they all looked pissed off about it. "Do you think I'd have time to get into a school in Paris?"

Ami stroked his hair, and didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," he laughed. "That was just a whim. You don't want me following you."

"No!" Ami protested, grabbing his arm. "I would _love_ it if you came to Paris with me! But... I'm going to Paris to follow my dream! You'd be going... to abandon yours... I just don't want you to end up... regretting things." She looked more miserable than he felt.

He kissed her cheek, and smiled. "I don't know anymore if this _is_ my dream. I just don't know. Could I have prepared better for this pro exam? Would that have made any difference? Will I ever be able to pass? I just don't know anymore." He looked back down at the pissed off model. 

Ami had been making her own clothes since her mom got her a mini sewing machine in grade school. She loved to shop and she loved fashion and she always had, and she had talent, and she was going to a design school in Paris that was incredibly hard to get into. She _knew_. 

He used to know.

Ami tugged on his arm and they reclined together on the bed, and Ami slipped her leg between his. "You'll figure it out, Yuuta. I believe in you. I always will."

"Thanks," he smiled at her.

She always made him feel like anything was possible.  


* * *

  
Fukui and Ami studied French together. Fukui packed up all his go stuff, and found that his room looked damned bare after that, so he went out to get some posters and things to fill up the space. Ami pointed out that he bought all art photographs of buildings and models of famous buildings, so he started to look up architecture schools in Paris.

The Nakatani's were happy that Fukui was planning on joining Ami. They'd been worried about her going so far away alone. Fukui's parents were happy he seemed to be excited about his future. Fukui didn't even think about go that much, except when it was on days that he should have been going to insei practice, or the days when Weekly Go came out, or when he found himself tapping on his desk, his fingers holding an imaginary go stone.

That was hardly at all.

Ami left for Paris six months before he did. Her program included a dorm. His school didn't have dorms, so he rented a small place sight unseen, though Ami assured him it was convenient to his school and not too bad a neighborhood.

He left for Paris.  


* * *

  
It wouldn't have mattered how much they had practiced ahead of time, actually _living_ in a foreign country tested their linguistic skills. It was easier for Fukui because Ami was already there, but he still had to keep up in classes that were in French. He recorded his classes and listened to them at night, playing and replaying until he was sure he understood everything. He called his parents every week or so, but the longer he lived in Paris, the longer he felt like he had moved to another planet, and he was assimilating.

He got accustomed to having bread and coffee for breakfast. He got accustomed to wine at dinner. He got accustomed to crazy drivers. He got accustomed to his classmates calling him _Yuuta_ even if they'd just met. He got accustomed to kissing strangers on the cheek. He got accustomed to his classmates being comfortable putting their ams around him, and even eventually got used to reciprocating.

After a year in Paris, his accent was good, he dressed like a Parisian, he never went to sleep before two in the morning, he could cook a typical French dinner for his classmates, and he never tapped imaginary stones on his desk.  


* * *

  
Ami came over late in the fall in their second year in Paris, wearing a fuzzy, furry coat, no stockings, and six-inch heels. It was nearly midnight, so he thought she was coming over for the night. He hung up her coat, and then he put his hands on her waist and he kissed her.

She started to cry.

They sat down on his bed, and she started to confess. She never intended it, of course. She still loved him, he was a part of her. But, _it_ had happened. Alain had always flirted with her, right from the beginning. At first, she'd been sure that he was gay, so she flirted back at him for play. She found out that he was bi, but he was living with a guy, so it didn't matter. They worked on projects together, because they were a good fit. She had more structured, layered looks, and excellent construction. His drawings were better, and he had a better understanding of materials. His boyfriend left him, and she was consoling him. He admitted that he was in love with her.

It just _happened_.

Fukui told her he was happy for her. She looked at him, horrified, and he laughed. He told her that he loved her, she was a part of him, too. So of course he wanted her to be happy. Of course he couldn't be angry with her. He knew she never meant to hurt him. He wasn't going to hold it against her that she fell in love. She cried, and clung to him, and he put his arms around her and stared at the wall. He made her cocoa, and they talked, and he realized that it might have been months, maybe even a year since they'd really _talked_ , since they'd done much more than just fuck when they saw each other. By dawn, they were both laughing again. 

She made him promise to come and meet Alain as soon as he could. At the last minute, he panicked and and begged his classmate to come with him to dinner. They went out to eat and then they went to a club. He liked Alain. He wasn't like a lot of the guys Fukui knew from class who were mainly interested in racking up conquests. He doted on Ami. She deserved that.

Gabby chatted with Ami easily, and she watched Fukui. After Alain and Ami left, Gabby insisted on Fukui taking her to another club. They danced and he got so drunk that in the morning, he didn't remember much of what happened after the second set of shots, but they were in bed together. Gabby laughed at him for looking _so serious_ and told him a good fuck was what a body needed after a heartbreak. He tried to tell her he wasn't heartbroken, but she just laughed some more. She wore his shirt and no bra to go get breakfast at a café, and she argued with him about ideal housing solutions. 

That winter was cold, and Fukui chose not to go home for break to save money. He took a job at a local bookstore, and Gabby and some other classmates came in daily to bother him. Gabby brought her cousin on Christmas Eve, and told him that she was a big fan of manga, but Fukui could only talk to her about titles that were popular when he was in school. He spent Christmas day alone, sleeping most of the day, and the day after Christmas, Gabby's cousin called him and invited him over to read manga. Her books were in French, and he puzzled over some translations, especially of sound effects. They looked up a series online so he could compare the original to the translation. He was amazed at how good she was at finding things on Japanese sites, and she showed him her favorite fansites. On New Year's Eve, she invited him to party at her brother's, and he didn't want to go but he agreed. She kissed him at midnight and they went for a walk after the party. At three in the morning, they were outside the Eiffel Tower, and kissed him again. He knew she expected him to sleep with her, and he was willing, but he told her about Ami, just in case, but she just laughed, like French girls, he'd noticed, sometimes laughed when they thought he was being naive. 

He told his mother about Zoé about two months after she moved in with him. His apartment, which had always been small, now seemed minuscule, and Zoé was a year younger than him and also in school, for advertising, and she had so many things, but somehow he was excited every day coming home, even when he and Zoé were arguing, because she was really cute when she was angry, even though she threw pillows at him, and after an argument, she was always even more voracious in bed. Zoé didn't like it when he met up with Ami without her, and she could be rude to Ami when they were together, so they argued about that most of all, but Ami got busier as she started to intern with a fashion house, and Fukui was busy interning with an architectural firm, and Zoé was busy, and Alain was probably busy, too.

Fukui almost completely forgot about go all together.  


* * *

  
He came home after work in the summer and Zoé was crying and clinging to Gabby. It took him about fifteen minutes to get any explanation, but she was sure she was pregnant. After Gabby was sure that he didn't need to have his ass kicked, she left them alone, and he held onto Zoé. He promised her anything she wanted, but she kept pressing him. _What is your plan after graduating? What do you think about marriage? What do you think about being a father? How long do you plan on living in France? How did he really feel about her?_ It was exhausting, and he wasn't sure about how he really felt about most of his answers. He never had a plan. He knew that more clearly and more exactly as he held her shivering body in his arms. He'd _never_ had a plan in his life. Now, he might need a plan.

They went to the doctor together. She said she would drop out of school. He convinced her not to. Her parents were relieved. Her brother was going to beat Fukui up, but Zoé kicked him in the shin. They went to a store and looked at cribs. They got her pregnancy vitamins, and they both stopped drinking. Two weeks later, she started to bleed. He went with her to the hospital. It just wasn't meant to be.

They moved into a bigger apartment, a sign probably that he intended to be more than just a poor student in Paris for a spell, and then go back home. On a bridge under the stars on a night that was cold enough that he'd given her his jacket, he asked her to marry him. That winter, at break, they went to Japan so she could meet his family. Her Japanese was awful, but she worked hard at it, and he translated for her. His mother thought she was the loveliest girl she'd ever met, and said so frequently. Nakatani-san looked at him like he'd let her down, but she smiled and kissed Zoé's cheek and only asked about Ami and Alain when Zoé was in the bath. Zoé had a list of about ten million things she wanted to do in Japan, and Fukui laughed and told her there was plenty of time, they were only there for two weeks, but there would be a next time, and she kissed him so hard he nearly fell down. They went to Odaiba at night for a date. He bought her crepes, and they went up on the ferris wheel, and she put her hand between his legs and laughed at his reaction. The day before they left, they went to a jewelry store to buy her engagement ring. His mother tried to get him to agree to come back in the summer for the wedding, but he told her they planned on getting married after they'd both graduated. It was going to be a long engagement.

He flew back to France, and didn't think about how he hadn't even looked at a copy of Weekly Go, or gone past the Go Institute.  


* * *

  
Before they graduated, Ami and Alain eloped, and they planned to open a boutique together in Tours, where Alain's grandmother was living and had a shop that she was closing. Fukui was _happy_ for her, but after having dinner together, Zoé slapped him across the face and accused him of still being in love with Ami. She cried and he didn't know what to say, and she ran out the door, slamming it behind her. The next day in school, Gabby slapped him across the face, and then apologized, saying, _She's my cousin, you know?_ The guys in his class laughed and called him a dog, which he knew they meant as a compliment but which he didn't take as one. Zoé finally came home after three days, and slapped him again. He asked her if she wanted to get married right away, and she cried and said she wanted to have his baby. They had sex slowly and passionately, looking into each other's eyes the whole time, but something between them had broken, and he didn't know how to fix it.

He took a job at the firm he'd interned at after graduation, and he spent about twelve hours a day on the job. Zoé was getting ready to graduate, and thinking about jobs. She left him before Christmas, telling him that she was keeping his ring, because she wasn't ready for it to be over. Waking up day after day alone, and going to bed day after day alone, he realized how much he'd liked her and how much he missed her. 

He also realized that he wasn't in love with her. He wondered how important that was, after all. They could be happy together. They could have a beautiful family. They could build a good life together.

They started talking on the phone. She called him in the morning, and he called her at night. They laughed. He had to go to Venice for three months for work. She moved back into the apartment to look after it while he was gone. The night before he left, they made love again on their bed. In the morning, he told her he still wanted to marry her.

In Venice, he had to get used to drinking different wine, eating lots of pasta, and just plain eating lots of food. He started running in the morning because he felt like he was getting too fat. It was hard to run in Venice. He enjoyed it, though. He called Zoé every day, and he was grateful for the sound of her voice, for the familiarity of her French. 

He slept with his coworker after a month in Venice. There were a million reasons, or rather, a million excuses, but none of them changed a damned thing. She had beautiful eyes and beautiful, beautiful breasts and legs, and smoked like a chimney and laughed louder than anything Fukui had ever heard, and he felt like shit afterward. He'd been drunk, and lonely, and he didn't care. 

He was going to tell Zoé, and then he wasn't. It would only hurt it. It would only happen one time. They weren't really _together_. He should tell her in person. He shouldn't tell her at all.

He slept with his coworker two more times. 

He came back to Paris a week late, and Zoé was at the door to the apartment when he did. She looked into his eyes and smiled at him sadly, and then she kissed him. And then, she took off her ring.

_I think we should postpone the engagement. I think we both need to grow up a bit before getting married._

_I'm... I'm sorry. I think you're right._

_Don't look so sad! You'll make me angry!_

_I just... I really think... I want the life I'll have with you._

_If we both still think that when we're ready... then we will._

_You're the most amazing woman I'll ever have the pleasure of knowing._

_That's true! I am amazing!_

When she smiled at him, he felt like maybe it would be fine. He kissed her, and he got her to agree to stay for dinner. She spent the night, and in the morning, he told her he loved her and she smiled at him, but she didn't put back on her ring. She didn't move out of the apartment, and they continued to share a bed. He got a promotion at work, and he bought her diamond earrings, and she wore them everyday, but she didn't put her engagement ring back on. 

She graduated, and she got an opportunity for an internship at a huge firm in New York. She said she didn't want to go to America alone, and she hated Americans, and she wasn't even sure she was up for it. He told her she was, she was amazing, and she was going to be working too much to care about the Americans or being so far away, and they would call every day, and she'd be back in six months. 

When she left, she didn't take her ring with her, but she was wearing the earrings.  


* * *

  
Six months passed slowly. Fukui practically moved into his office. He took a trip to Nice, and got sick. He ended up in a hospital in Paris, and when he got out and was finally able to talk to Zoé, she was hysterical. Their conversations got longer, more intimate. At the end of six months, she had a chance to take a job there, but she told him she was sick of living in New York, even if the shopping was great and there was always something to do.

He half-heartedly tried to get her to change her mind, but he was at Charles de Gaulle waiting for her. She threw her arms around him and kissed him. She was wearing the earrings. He took Friday and Monday off and they took a long weekend trip to the country. When they got back, she put on her engagement ring again. They didn't talk about it. It took her three months to find a job. Once she did, though, it was with the firm she had wanted to work for the most, so they had a party to celebrate. Zoé got so drunk, Fukui had to hold her hair in the bathroom. When she put her head on his shoulder, he stroked her neck and told her she was beautiful. She laughed, and told him he was crazy. 

She was just starting a job, so she wasn't free very much. He was on a big project, so he wasn't free much, either. It wasn't until Christmas that they had any free time. They wanted to go to Japan, but they didn't have time to plan a trip. 

Instead, they set a date for the wedding. Two dates, actually. They decided to get married in Japan and have a reception in Paris.

Fukui called Ami to tell her while he was on lunch at work. She was shocked, much moreso than he thought she'd be. _You're actually going to marry her?_ Those were her exact words. He laughed and asked her why she thought he wouldn't. 

_I just... never realized that you and she were..._

His gut twisted, and he swallowed hard. _I love her, Ami. So, yeah, we're going to get married._

Ami didn't speak for a minute, and then she sighed. _Well, then I'm happy for you. I think._

_Don't do this. You're married. You have Alain._

_I know, it's just. I never thought you'd..._

_**Please** don't finish that thought._

_I know. I'm sorry._

_You're a part of me._

_But she hates me,_ Ami laughed.

_No. Well, yes, but not like that. She's just jealous. Because we grew up together._

_I know. Alain feels the same way about you._

_Really? I never knew that._

_Yeah, well, Alain is a gentleman._

_And Zoé is passionate and honest._

_Okay, okay, I'll be the bigger woman and make nice with her._

_Thank you._

_This is really what you want?_

_It really is. I actually think... I don't know. I don't know if I can live without her anymore._

_...Wow. That's..._

_Yeah, nevermind, forget I said that._

_No, that's good! I really am happy for you, Yuuta. And remember, you only came to Paris because of me, so **really**..._

_Right, right, I'm eternally grateful, Ami-sama._

She laughed.

He told Zoé that he talked to Ami, and she blinked two times, and then she sighed. 

_Will she be able to come to the wedding?_ she asked.  


* * *

  
Zoé squeezed his fingers. "So? What do you think of this one, then?"

"I like this place. I liked the last place. I liked the first place. The important thing is..." Fukui smiled at his fiancée.

"I like it, but..." she sighed.

Laughing, he kissed her cheek. "Please don't be so picky about the details in Tokyo! We won't be there long enough ahead of time to be this picky!"

"No, but your mother is being so helpful! She's had so many wonderful suggestions! And her French is really good, I feel so embarrassed. It should be me learning Japanese, really," she sighed.

"You're doing just fine," Fukui assured her. 

"I don't know... oh! I forgot, _maman_ wanted me to get some pastries from the café here. Just a moment." Fukui nodded to her and Zoé trotted off. He drifted through the lobby, trying to stay out of the way of traffic. He went to the display of flyers and ads for area attractions. He wasn't really looking at them, but something caught his gaze. 

"I've got it! You don't mind stopping by _maman_ 's, do you?" Zoé took his arm.

Fukui was too distracted to answer.

Zoé tugged on his arm. "Yuuta?"

He pointed to a flyer. "There's a... go tournament, here, tomorrow. International. It's..." He just stared at the flyer. 

He'd been living on another planet, and suddenly, he'd been brought back to Earth.

"Go? What is that? Mm... is that like checkers?" Zoé frowned.

"Checkers... no!" Fukui laughed. "Go, it's an ancient game. It's... complex, and it's fun. I... I was going to become a pro. Once."

"Oh? You can be a pro at a board game?" she looked at him in wonder.

"Well, you can be a chess pro," he winked at her. 

"That's true..." she frowned. "You never told me you were going to be a pro gamer!"

"Well, it's not like..." Fukui laughed.

She touched the flyer. "It says there's a Japanese player. Do you know him? Did you play him?"

He shook his head. "You know... I actually _do_ know him. I was an insei with him. Back then, I used to always beat him."

"Oh! Then why didn't you become pro? You chose architecture instead?" Zoé asked.

Fukui sighed. "I guess that's... one way of looking at it."

"Are you going to go?" Zoé poked him.

Fukui just sighed.

"But you know him! And you know this game! You should go!" Zoé insisted.

"That's true... do you want to go?" he asked her.

"I would, but it's my cousin's friend's sister's baby shower," Zoé explained.

"That's not a real thing," he deadpanned.

She elbowed him, grinning. "We went to their wedding earlier this year!"

"Ooh, that girl, with the hooked nose," Fukui nodded.

"That's not nice," Zoé sighed.

"That's just a statement of fact," Fukui countered.

"So will you go?" Zoé raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hmmm," Fukui sighed.

"You're going to go," Zoé nodded firmly.

"Thank you for deciding for me," he grinned at her.

"That's my job!" she beamed. "I'm practicing for being a wife."

"I think you've got the role down perfectly," he told her.

She pinched his cheek. "You're not being complimentary!"

"Yes, I am!" he laughed.

She just shook her head at him.

Still, Zoé had decided, so he ended up at the hotel again the next day. The conference room had a large viewscreen with the games from the pros on, and various tables set up with gobans, some informational booths, and some other pros to give lessons. Fukui looked around, nervously wondering if he'd know anyone. Saeki-san and Ashiwara-san were the announcers, explaining who the pros playing were. First, they introduced the Japanese pro, Hikaru Shindou. Apparently, Shindou was now a title-holder. His opponent was from Korea, Ko Yeongha. He was very impressive. The game started, and Fukui became absorbed. After twenty minutes, he wasn't following perfectly. It was depressing.

"Fukui?"

He turned, and blinked. 

"It is you, isn't it? I mean... you look so..." Nase Asumi was staring at him.

Fukui grinned. "I look thinner? Fatter? Taller? I am taller. It's good to see you, Nase-san."

She shook her head, grinning. "I think I was thinking, you look so _European_ , but that doesn't make sense, does it?"

"Maybe! I've been living here in Paris for six years now!" he beamed.

"Six years! Oh, my god. That's amazing! What are you doing?" she came closer to him. She looked good in a pencil skirt and short-sleeved cashmere sweater. And it was a testament to Ami and Zoé's influence that he knew that her shoes were Louboutins.

"I'm an architect, working here in Paris. You? Are you part of...?" he waved his finger around.

"Oh, no, I'm here on a business trip," she smiled. "I'm... actually an accountant." She looked embarrassed.

"That's pretty good," he assured her.

"It's a living," she shrugged.

"I thought that you would have... well..." he started, and then he cut himself off. He didn't want to be insensitive.

"There's still time," she said, and he understood. He understood, but he also knew that... just like him, once he had put it off, it slowly got put out of his mind. The idea of becoming a go pro...

It would nearly impossible now, wouldn't it?

They stared blankly at the screen together, and then they sighed, nearly in unison. "I used to be able to beat him. Nearly every time."

"I remember when he didn't even know how to record his game," she shook her head.

They looked at each other, and grinned.

"Have you heard from the guys lately? Know what Waya is up to?" Fukui asked.

"Oh! He's living with Isumi-san now!" she looked at him eagerly.

"Really? That's surprising," Fukui considered that. But. "I thought Isumi-san wasn't..."

"Gay? Interested?" she prodded.

"I don't know. It's hard to picture him being sexual. He was always just so... _perfect_ ," Fukui laughed.

"Oh, _I_ pictured him being sexual. I pictured that a _lot_ ," she sighed.

"Are you picturing it right now?" he laughed.

" _Maybe_ ," she smirked.

He shook his head and looked back at the screen. "Are you following this?"

"Ugh, no," she groaned.

He looked around the room. There were gobans everywhere... "Hey, wanna play some speed go?"

She grinned at him. "It's been a long time... why not?"

"All right!!" he headed for a table. "Wait, we put the stones in the middle of the squares, right?"

"I'm so kicking your ass," she smirked.

"Don't bet on it, accountant," he sat down.

She sat opposite him, and they got ready to nigiri. "I'm not betting on you, architect."

"Winner buys dinner?" he suggested.

"Sure, and loser pays for alcohol," she agreed.

"Wow, that's rough," he laughed, and he put out his stones.

"I'm white," Nase smiled. 

"And I'm drinking you under the table tonight," Fukui challenged.

"You wish!" Nase winked, setting down her first stone.

Fukui immediately mirrored her move. The familiar fast click-clack of stones stirred something inside of him, but he just pushed it away. He didn't need to think about anything except... his next move.  


* * *

  



End file.
